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/ A W A R E N E S S M A G A Z I N E
M A Y / J U N E 2 0 1 1
14 / A W A R E N E S S M A G A Z I N E
M A Y / J U N E 2 0 1 1
Plant Trees!
Plant Trees!
There are two kinds of rela-
tionship. The first is a dysfunc-
tional and unconscious rela-
tionship based in the past and
future. The second is a conscious
relationship based in the present
When a relationship is based
in the past, we are looking to
our partner to fulfill needs that
were not met in childhood by
our parents. Our mother and fa-
ther were not present for us in
the way we needed them to be.
As a result, we did not feel loved
and accepted in a way that made
us feel safe, and so to varying
degrees, we developed limiting
beliefs that now affect every as-
pect of our lives and our rela-
These beliefs include I am not
loved, I am not good enough, I
am not accepted, There is no
one here for me, I am unworthy,
I am alone, I am abandoned, I
have to repress my feelings, I
don't count, I can't ask for what
I want, I have to please others,
just to name a few.
These beliefs are associated
with very painful feelings, that
we learn to repress. We then
embark upon a journey to find
someone who will be here for
us and who will meet that un-
filled need to be loved, accepted
and acknowledged. The prob-
lem is that life manifests as a
reflection of our inner world, so
that we attract people into our
lives who match those limiting
We attract people into our
lives who are not loving or ac-
cepting, and so the pain of living
in a world where no one is truly
present with us continues. If we
attract a partner who is loving
and accepting, we cannot really
feel it or allow it in, because it
contradicts our deeper beliefs.
In an unconscious relation-
ship, our repressed
emotions are con-
stantly being trig-
gered, and we project
the blame onto our
partner, when what
is really happening
is that our partner is
simply triggering feel-
ings repressed within
us from our past.
In an unconscious
relationship, we are
lost in our story and
we are trying to get our partner
to enter our story to make
it better. Some typical issues
that arise in an unconscious re-
lationship are blame, guilt, ex-
pectation and resentment. In an
unconscious relationship, con-
trol patterns and judgment are
often a source of conflict.
An unconscious relationship
is not necessarily a bad thing.
In fact I recommend it! It gives
us the opportunity to look into
the mirror that is the relation-
ship, and bring consciousness
to all the unconscious aspects
of ourselves, all the unhealed
emotional wounds and all those
limiting beliefs still with us from
This kind of relationship gives
us the opportunity to witness
certain aspects of our person-
ality which we would prefer to
ignore, deny or project onto our
partner. It gives us the opportun-
ity to be observant of our con-
trol patterns and judgments. How
present are you with your part-
ner? How do you express love?
Are you generous, grateful, com-
passionate and supportive? Are
you judgmental and controlling?
Are you filled with expecta-
tions which you do
not clearly express
and when those ex-
pectations are not
met, do you become
resentful? When you
are hurt, do you be-
come angry or do
you withdraw? How
do you express your
anger? Are you abu-
sive? Are you a vic-
tim? These are just
some of the issues
and questions that must be ad-
dressed and brought to con-
sciousness if you want to move
from a dysfunctional relationship
to a conscious relationship.
In a conscious relationship,
we are fundamentally present.
We have been through a process
of healing the past. We have
released ourselves from those
limiting beliefs from childhood
and we have emptied those res-
ervoirs of emotions which were
repressed within us. We have
embraced responsibility for our-
selves at every level. We feel
whole and complete within our-
selves and we do not need our
partner to complete us or make
us feel safe and secure. We no
longer need our partner to be
here for us, but rather we want
our partner to be here with us.
Just to change one simple
word from `for' to `with' radi-
cally transforms the relationship.
In a conscious relationship, both
parties are empowered from
within and are not seeking to
have power or control over the
other. In a conscious relation-
ship, communication is clear
and direct and honest.
A conscious relationship does
not have to be perfect. It is OK
to make mistakes as long as both
parties to the relationship are
willing to take responsibility for
whatever is arising within them.
In fact, it is in making mistakes
or lapsing into unconsciousness
that provides us with the oppor-
tunity for greater consciousness,
provided we are willing and
able to look into the mirror that
is the relationship and to own,
acknowledge and confess any
unconscious aspect of ourselves
we see reflected there.
At the deepest level, the real
gift we bring to each other is the
gift of Presence. When you are
present you are, by your very
nature, loving, accepting, com-
passionate, generous, grateful
and allowing. When you are
present, you are without judg-
ment. The more that Presence is
the foundation of your relation-
ship, the more fulfilling, joyful
and uncomplicated it will be.
In a conscious relationship,
we relate to each other in the
moment and do not seek com-
fort from the idea that someone
will be there to make us feel
safe in one year or five years or
for a lifetime. In truth there is
only NOW! When we come to
terms with that simple truth, it
will open us into a life of free-
dom, truth and love.
A conscious relationship is a
great blessing. It provides you
with a companion with whom
you can share a loving life. An
unconscious relationship is also
a great blessing. It provides you
with a remarkable opportunity
to wake up out of your uncon-
Leonard Jacobson is a spiri-
tual teacher, healer and mystic
deeply committed to guiding
and supporting others in their
journey towards wholeness. In
1981, he experienced the first
of a series of spontaneous mys-
tical awakenings that profound-
ly altered his perception of life,
truth, and reality. Each of these
enlightenment experiences re-
vealed deeper levels of con-
sciousness, filling his teachings
and his writings with wisdom,
clarity, love and compassion. He
has been running workshops
and seminars for the past twen-
ty-five years, offering inspiration
and guidance to those on a path
of awakening.
Leonard is the author of Words
from silence, Embracing the Present,
bridging heaven & Earth, Journey
into now and his latest, a children's
picture book, In search of the light.
You can learn more about Leonard at
Conscious Relationships
by Leonard Jacobson