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/ A W A R E N E S S M A G A Z I N E
M A Y / J U N E 2 0 1 1
M A Y / J U N E 2 0 1 1
A W A R E N E S S M A G A Z I N E /
/ A W A R E N E S S M A G A Z I N E
M A Y / J U N E 2 0 1 1
If you want to create a work-
ing, supportive relationship with
another, it is imperative that you
be willing to be complete in the
relationship you have with your
parents. The dictionary defines
complete as "lacking no com-
ponent part; full; whole; entire."
But what does being incomplete
with your parents mean? It is
when you are looking to prove
them wrong or right for what
they did, or didn't do, or when
you endlessly search for their
weak points.
When you reference how you
are living your life in comparison
to how your parents have lived
their lives and to what they did
or didn't do for you, then you
are incomplete. If, for example,
in your opinion they were ei-
ther there too much and smoth-
ered you or they were not there
enough and you felt abandoned
and misunderstood, these are
symptoms of being incomplete.
One way or the other, your
source of identity is in relation
and reaction to your parents. If
you are saying that your parents
are responsible for the way you
relate, then you are incomplete
with them.
We have seen many adults
who were children of highly-suc-
cessful people be failures in life
and relationship because they
wanted to prove to their parents
that their parents did it wrong.
Any time things started going too
well, these people would sabo-
tage the possibility of their own
success. Being right was more
important than being happy. The
aversion to being like one's par-
ents is nondiscriminatory; you
can't just pick and choose the
parts of them you don't want to
be like. If you are trying to not be
like them, you will avoid even
their "good" traits.
You can't be yourself if you
are avoiding being like one or the
other of your parents, because
then you are not living your own
life. If you are resisting your par-
ents, or going for their approval,
then that relationship will per-
sist, and each action you take
will be filtered in a nanosecond
through your idea of how they
would do things rather than
simply being yourself.
If you are still blaming your
mother or father for the way you
are, you will be handicapped in
your ability to have a fully sat-
isfying relationship. Your rela-
tionship to your parents is your
archetypical relationship to men
and women. They did not do it
wrong. They were just living their
lives as best they knew how, and
you happened to be born into
that family.
Your parents probably didn't
take any courses on parenting or
on how to have satisfying rela-
tionships. Neither did their par-
ents -- nor theirs. Until recently,
probably within the last fifty
years, there weren't any class-
es in parenting or relating. The
way people are is the way they
learned to be in the families in
which they grew up. And, more
than likely, your parents did the
best they knew how to do.
From a child's point of view,
your parents should have done
things differently. Children's per-
spectives are centered on them-
selves and on what they want.
They cannot take into account
all of the complexities of earn-
ing a living, having to relate with
other people, and being respon-
sible for the well-being and sur-
vival of the family. Children, by
definition, have an immature
and limited perspective of reality
and can filter day-to-day events
only through how these events
affect them and their desires,
preferences, and wants.
At a young age, you made de-
cisions about who your parents
were and then have held those
decisions over time as though
they are true. Most people don't
realize that many of their opin-
ions were formed when they
were in a childish temper tan-
trum or contraction years ago.
Our friend LeAnne can now
laugh at her child's interpreta-
tion of the things her father did
"wrong." One rather dramatic
childhood memory had to do
with a vacation she had with
her parents in Greece. While
traveling about the country,
they stopped at a scenic over-
look. Because LeAnne was not
tall enough to see over the stone
wall that hugged the cliff face,
her father lifted her up and stood
her on top so that she could en-
joy the view.
LeAnne was scared by the
height, and through her imma-
ture perspective, she made up
the story that her father was try-
ing to throw her over the cliff.
This fable remained in place for
years, repeated to herself
and embellished over time.
Eventually, LeAnne re-
alized she had made up a
very imaginative, creative
explanation to justify her
fear and further saw that
her father had no intention
of doing her harm nor had
any desire to hurt her in any
way. Bringing awareness to
how she related to her fa-
ther released her from her
expectation that men were
out to hurt her.
Some people reading
this excerpt will have had
parents who were, in fact,
abusive or severely lacking in
parenting skills. We don't mean
to suggest that some individuals
did not experience severe child-
hood trauma. What we are sug-
gesting is that carrying a grudge
or having a vendetta with one
or both of your parents will se-
verely hamper your ability to
Even if your parents did things
that were insensitive, ill-advised,
or abusive, there comes a point
where you must choose between
having a fully satisfying life or
being right about how your par-
ents did you wrong.
This is an excerpt from How
to Create a Magical Relation-
ship, published by McGraw-
Hill and winner of the Nautilus
Book Award in the category of
Relationships/Men & Women's
Since 1987, the Kanes, interna-
tionally-acclaimed authors, seminar
leaders, and business consultants,
have acted as guides, leading peo-
ple through the swamp of the mind
into the clarity and brilliance of the
moment. To find out more about the
Kanes and their Transformational
Community or to receive their article
of the month, visit their website at
Breaking the Cycle
of Unfulfilling Relationships
An excerpt from How to Create A Magical Relationship:
Three Simple Ideas That Will Instantaneously Transform Your Love Life
by Shya & Ariel Kane
If you want a relationship
that works, give up
making your parents
responsible for your
actions and start living
your own life.
Shya and Ariel Kane