By Scott Kalechstein

The Fun Police


 I have come to believe that how much joy I experience in any given moment pretty much boils down to how much permission I give myself to have it. Sounds simple enough, but for many of us, after a lifetime of withholding permission from ourselves, we might notice some subtle resistance to increasing our joy allowance.

This year I致e been pushing the fun envelope in many ways. In the last few months I致e taken up jazz guitar, tennis lessons, and a comedy improv class. The one thing these activities have in common is I知 enjoying the hell (heaven?) out of them. I知 not doing them for a future reward, profit motive, or esteem-boosting accolades: I知 in it for the fun. Sometimes I worry that I知 having too much fun. A few times lately, when people have asked me how I知 doing, I致e heard myself answer, 的知 having so much fun, the Fun Police are after me!

Now I don稚 know where I picked up the idea of a Fun Police, but I seem to have some affection for it. It came out of my mouth, so I figure they must exist, even if just in my psyche. One morning I went into meditation and asked to speak to the Chief of the Fun Police, and, sure enough, was connected to his secretary, who set up an interview. Worried that I might not be able to maintain the objectivity needed for the dialogue, I called Phil Donahue, who recently came out of retirement to host a nighttime talk show. Phil graciously agreed to conduct a private interview, and here it is:

Phil: Thank you very much for taking the time to talk to me.

Fun Police Chief: No problem, but I致e got five minutes and then it痴 back to my job.

Phil: And what exactly is that, your job?

Chief: I知 on the lookout for Scott having too much fun, spontaneity, gaiety, laughter, joy . . . you know, that sort of thing.

Phil: There痴 a danger?  Someone could have too much?

Chief: Well, if Scott has too much fun, he stops thinking about all the things that are wrong with him and his life. He could get real lazy about trying to fix himself, which in my opinion, he already is already lazy, that is, not already fixed! Fun, if it isn稚 balanced with a generous helping of unpleasantness, is downright irresponsible!

And, if he痴 not suffering and struggling, even just a little bit every day, how deserving could he be of any joy that comes his way? We at the Fun Police have to make sure there痴 a limit to Scott痴 good feelings and good times. It痴 a public service we are proud to perform.

Phil: How do you get him to stop having fun? He seems to really like it.

Chief: Well, it used to be easy enough. A little guilt, properly applied, has always gone a long way. Whispering the 壮 word in his ear (as in 鉄cott, you池e being Selfish!) used to shut him down real fast.

What痴 making my job hard lately is that he痴 entertaining some dangerous notions that if he really went all out with, we wouldn稚 be able to control him anymore. He壇 be off just having a good time, while we壇 be dealing with lay-offs here at the station.

Phil: Oh, I see. And what, in a nutshell, are these new ideas?

Chief: If I tell you, you have to promise not to print them or air them on your show. No one who reads Scott痴 newsletter or his column should see them. Part of my job is to prevent chaos from breaking out, and these are pretty revolutionary ideas, especially if they fall into the hands of the wrong people. You wouldn稚 want the masses quitting their jobs and letting their inner children run wild in the streets, now would you? It would wreak pandemonium!

Phil: Oh, yes, I can see what you mean. All right, I promise not to disclose what you say, scout痴 honor. (Phil crosses his fingers behind his back, nullifying his promise.)

Chief: OK, then I値l tell you. Scott is starting to consider that unconditional, across-the-board self-acceptance might be more valuable to his soul than waging war against his faults and inadequacies. He痴 getting more and more gentle and patient with himself, even imagining there is some kind of 船ivine Purpose to his weaknesses and stumblings, that he痴 evolving and growing at a perfect pace. How can we do our job against ideas like that?

Also, whenever he was having too much fun, we would remind him to remember all of the suffering in the world. Against that tactic he was defenseless, and it usually would spoil his party fast. Nowadays he just shoots back, 鄭ll the more reason to have fun. Somebody痴 got to maintain the joy vibration so people in pain are inspired to see there痴 another way.

Oh, and another thing: Scott痴 really into meditation lately, and that痴 even more bad news for us. When he meditates, he goes into a witness state, and just watches his thoughts and feeling pass by without judging them or trying to make them go away. Sometimes he even witnesses the Fun Police at work. When he痴 doing that, we can稚 get to him at all, cause he痴 under the Witness Protection Program.

Phil: I can see why you池e worried about your job.

Chief: And I致e got to get right back to it. Scott痴 starting to smile and laugh while he痴 typing this article.

Phil: Well, Chief, thank you for your time, and for your commitment to serve and protect Scott from too much fun.

Chief: No problem.

展hy do dolphins leap joyful from the sea? Why do the morning birds sing? Why does the earth dance in trees and reach forests to the sun? Why do children play? The purpose of these realms is enjoyment. This is a recreational universe. When you remember the play that lifted your heart as a child, you will know the heart of God.
Ken Carey, The Third Millennium

Scott Kalechstein, with his musical, speaking and healing gifts, makes his living eluding the Fun Police. He is wanted in fifty states and assorted foreign countries for breaking and entering people痴 hearts, as well for creating the peace. If you have (or want) information about his whereabouts, please e-mail  or visit   

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