SOLVING THE MYSTERIES
By Mary Miller, MSW
Alice and Bill have been together for more than a decade, yet they are still having the same arguments over the same subjects every day - arguments that end in bad feelings with no resolution. They have tried therapy, but they find themselves arguing over the therapy, blaming each other for why they argue. Why do they argue?
Regina has been married to Edward for eight years. Every evening Edward retreats to the garage where he is refurbishing an old Saab. Regina is left feeling hurt and angry because she does not want to be alone. She feels that Edward is avoiding her and wonders what is wrong with her. Why does Edward go to the garage?
Karen and George have a very active sex life. Karen’s first husband Fred was a kind man and they had some good times together but for Karen, sex with Fred was flat and dissatisfying. Why is sex so different for Karen with each of these two men?
When Lois met Sam, he was leading a very fast life, out every night at the bars, drinking and dating lots of different women. Then within a matter of months, Sam stopped drinking, settled down and went into politics. What made Sam change his life-style?
The Gentle Wind Project® has spent the last two decades studying the human consciousness and developing a system of Spiritual Psychology for understanding human personalities and how those personalities interact. In human psychology, it is assumed that people can change anything they wish about themselves if they just try hard enough. This approach leads people on a search for why they are the way they are. This search always ends in blame, blaming oneself or blaming the other person.
In Spiritual Psychology, it is understood that each person has a set of fixed, genetically-based personality characteristics that have a unique energetic expression. Human relationships are a function of the interaction of these characteristics. These characteristics are neither good nor bad. They just are what they are. Some characteristics are highly compatible and create a “kismet” relationship. Others are incompatible and can create a “kiss-off” relationship. In Spiritual Psychology, people are invited to go on a search for how they are, rather than why they are a certain way. This search will inevitably lead to self acceptance, the key to all personal transformation.
Each person is either a Have Something type or a Want Something type. Have Something types are the more stable people in society. Have Something types feel they have something of value, such as physical beauty, a home, a career, children and family, or all these things. Have Somethings are naturally protective of what they have. Want Something types are in a chronic state of wanting something. The problem is that they are unclear about what it is that they want.
Whenever two people argue constantly, one person is a Have Something and one is a Want Something, as with Bill and Alice. Have Somethings are naturally annoyed with Want Somethings, and experience the Want Something as demanding and needy, and feel urged to push the Want Something away.
Want Somethings feel the disapproval of the Have Something which throws the Want Something into trying to please the Have Something. This only makes matters worse because the Have Something experiences this attempt at pleasing as just another demand. Chronic arguing in relationships is almost always based on this dynamic.
Edward, who goes to the garage at night to work on his Saab, would be a Live Alone type, and Regina a Live With type. Live Alone types do not always need to live alone, but they do need time by themselves in order to regenerate. When Edward goes to the garage, he is restoring balance to his system. He is not trying to get away from Regina, and if she knew that, she might feel differently both about herself and about Edward.
Karen is a Sexual Active type. For Sexual Active types, sex is about releasing physical tensions. George is a Non-sexual Active type and for him sex is about love, and without love, sex will not be satisfying. Karen loves George, so this is a good match. Fred, Karen’s former partner, is a Non-sexual Inactive type. Non-sexual Inactive types tend to have a certain kind of inner stability but often have little interest in sex. Non-sexual Inactive types are interested in control. Control is not a bad thing. However it can become painful when a Non-sexual Inactive type tries to control other people’s behavior. On the other hand, a Non-sexual Inactive type might be exactly the kind of person to work in a nuclear power plant where keeping certain conditions under control prevents a nuclear accident.
There is also a fourth type, Sexual Inactive, who is looking for distance and is difficult to understand unless you happen to be this type. All the sex therapy in the world will not change any of these characteristics. Understanding how they work can transform a relationship. Some of these types are very compatible while others are not.
Another characteristic includes: Wants a Parent, Wants to Be a Parent or Neutral. In the case of Sam and Lois, Sam Wants a Parent. Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush are all looking for a parent. Lois Wants to Be a Parent. Nancy Reagan and Laura Bush Want to Be Parents. In the Reagan’s marriage, Nancy parented and took care of her husband and he naturally and willingly accepted her parenting. In the Bush’s marriage, Laura not only parents George but also provides stability. Her parenting and stability helped bring George’s drinking problem and other areas of his life under control.
A Neutral is someone who neither Wants a Parent nor Wants to Be a Parent. Neutral types are capable of parenting if their other personality characteristics do not pull them away from parenting. A Neutral type who was also a Live Alone and Work Alone type and an Independent type would have other demands on his system that might pull him away from parenting. Hillary Clinton is a Neutral type. Bill Clinton Wants a Parent but cannot find one in Hillary. The Clintons have other areas of their relationship where they are very well-matched but this one is a source of difficulty.
The Gentle Wind Project® offers a free emotional healing to anyone seeking help. The Project also offers a Relationship Workbook and set of 12 individualized Personality Cards, a unique healing technology that dissolves the limitations of personality characteristics and reduces tensions in relationships. See “It’s All About Relationships” Seminars at www.gentlewindproject.org For more information, call (800) 545-7847 from 9 a.m.-9 p.m. ET.
Return to the May/June Index page