The Conscious Relationship Workout
By Scott Kalechstein



“As you may have noticed, relationships are not here to make you happy or fulfilled. If you continue to pursue the goal of salvation through a relationship, you will be disillusioned again and again. But if you accept that the relationship is here to make you conscious instead of happy, then the relationship will offer you salvation, and you will be aligning yourself with the higher consciousness that wants to be born into this world.”
Eckhart Tolle

The following questions and exercises are designed to be a vigorous workout in the mental and emotional gym to help you get into better shape for relationship as a path of awakening.

Warning: Contents under pressure. This material may not be suitable for those attached to looking for love in the wrong places, namely outside of yourself, and might cause considerable pressure to outgrow unconscious relationship habits and beliefs modeled after fairy tales and country and western songs.

This workout is for you
if you are:

-    Looking for a relationship
-    Enjoying a relationship
-    Facing challenges in a relationship
-    Recuperating from a relationship

What You will Need: A pen, paper, willingness, courage, self-honesty, and a sense of humor!

If A Healthy Relationship Is Icing On The Cake...
How is your cake doing?

Are you feeling full and rich and delicious about yourself and your life?

To what extent are you waiting for the frosting of a mate to complete you?

The Musical Metaphysical Dating Service Wants You To Ponder...

Is the music on your Life-force channel turned up high enough so your unique song can be heard by others of like mind and heart?

Could it be that if you play the melody of your soul song sweet, loud and clear, your soul mate might just come along to add the harmony?

Do you keep your music down so you won’t disturb the neighbors?

Ending The Waiting Game
Make a list of ten things you want to do or have that you have been waiting to share with a partner.

Which ones are you willing to do now, partner or not?

Imagine your ideal mate giving you love, nurturing and attention. What exactly do you imagine them saying and doing? Do you envision them being patient, caring, generous, romantic? What nutrients are you hungry for that seem to be missing in your life which you have been thinking only a mate can give you? What in that fantasy are you willing to actually give to yourself right now?

Write down three actions that demonstrate your love of yourself. Do them.

Fantasy Island
Write down your juiciest fantasy of what an ideal relationship can do for you. Really indulge your romantic idealism. Then read aloud what you wrote. Where did these ideas come from? Movies? Parents? Songs? Childhood daydreams? How old were you when you started dreaming of romance being such an essential ingredient for happiness? What was going on in your life? What was missing?

Reality Island
Imagine you are really connected to and coming from wholeness, and that feeling juicy and complete is your core-level emotional truth, reflected in all your relations. Imagine what it would feel like to come to a relationship as a full cup, overflowing onto another. Imagine being more present, more playful, more vulnerable, more truthful. Imagine being less in a rush to go anywhere, to get anything, or to make something happen. Imagine validating yourself so fully that your relationship is icing on the cake, a delicious addition to a delicious you.

“The ego always speaks first. Its voice is always the loudest, and it is always wrong.”

 ― A Course In Miracles

Building A Bridge Over Troubled Waters
Sharing solely what’s in your head brings about defensiveness and separation. Dropping down and coming from your vulnerability with self-responsibility builds a bridge.

Can you communicate feelings and wants without blame and judgment?

Does anger exist without the intent to hurt or blame? If so, what might it sound like? Might it have a healing purpose?

Can you ever win at your partner’s expense? Imagine something difficult that you want to share with someone you care about, something that involves you feeling angry, hurt, scared. Write down how you would most want to communicate. Then read what you wrote. How would you feel being on the receiving end of that communication? Keep fine tuning it until it feels like you are honoring of yourself, your partner, and the process.

On Healthy Selfishness: Commitment to Self Must Be Present Before Commitment to Another Is Possible

Are boundaries essential for intimacy?

Did Jesus have boundaries? (Ask the money changers!) Are boundaries different from walls?

Can you stand up for yourself when the risk is that you will be judged, or even abandoned?

What keeps you from saying yes when you mean yes and no when you mean no? What is the cost in your intimate relationships when you can’t say no? Make a list of ten things you stand for and ten things you won’t stand for in your relationships.

Let’s Get Real About The Ego (which is not real, anyway!)

What do you hate about your partner? Pick one thing that drives you crazy. Listen to the story in your head about how their behavior is responsible for your absence of peace. Tell that story on paper. Exaggerate it. Have fun. Declare to God that you are committed to being a victim here. Laugh, and be entertained. What’s the point of having drama if you are not enjoying it on some level? Do not resist your resistance to self-responsibility. Just observe it and bless it from the place in you that is a compassionate witness.

Ask God to take your blame thoughts and hurt feelings and transform them as you forgive yourself for your projections. Then let it go. Don’t try to fix yourself. Drop it. You’ve done your part.

Gently be on the lookout for spontaneous and effortless moments of patience and humor with your partner when they are acting in ways that have a history of triggering you. Celebrate each moment of patience, and forgive the rest.

What If?
What if the thing you would most like to change about your partner is the very thing propelling you to evolve and awaken?

List three ways your current relationship challenge is developing you as a soul.

What if grievances towards your beloved were connected to ways in which you withhold love from yourself?

List three grievances and how expanding your love of self would dissolve them.

Permission To Experiment
If you are usually quick to express your blame thoughts and feelings to your partner before sorting them out inside yourself, then permission granted next time you get into a reactive state to deactivate ― which means taking a time out to do inner work, to love and forgive and nurture yourself enough so you can come back to your mate and report your feelings self-responsibly rather than taking an emotional dump on them.

If you are always ever so careful and conscious about sharing your feelings and your stuff with your mate, if you are ever so good at holding it in, then permission granted to lose it ― get real, get messy, break some eggshells, and trust the two of you to work it out. Sometimes thunderstorms are needed to freshen and clear the air.

To Be A Pioneer...
Deep, rich, non-codependent relationships are indeed the final frontier, and require that we boldly go where we have not yet gone before. Permission granted to see yourself as a courageous pioneer, forging and fumbling your way to a new world. Permission granted to make mistakes, blame, forgive, heal fantasies, take back projections, experiment, explore, and celebrate the joys, challenges, and evolutionary opportunities of conscious relationships!

List three ways that you are a pioneer in your relationships, and three things you can do to reward yourself for your courage and vision on your journey...

Scott Kalechstein is a traveling minister, counselor and coach, a modern-day troubadour and inspirational speaker. He lives with his partner and daughter in Marin, California and loves presenting at conferences, giving talks, concerts and workshops. In his phone counseling practice, he is a relationship specialist, helping individuals and couples heal, manifest, and awaken into conscious relationship. Visit to read more about his work, hear his talks or sample songs from his nine CD’s. Or send him an email to receive writings like this one on a semi-occasional basis.

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