By KRS Edstrom
I am a 33-year-old male who has never been married. My problem is that I have not had many dates or relationships. Since age 15, I have had seven different relationships. The one I was just “dumped” from lasted nine months. The relationship before that (ten years ago) lasted 3 years.
I am not a very outgoing person and have never initiated a relationship, but I
want so badly to be loved and married, raising a family, working together, “till
death do us part”.
When I am in a relationship, if I am interested in the girl and find her qualities admirable, I almost immediately fall head over heels in love and try to work towards a serious relationship.
But in this last relationship when I told her I loved her she immediately turned COLD. I don’t understand it because we shared quality time together. She took me to visit her hometown, on a week’s vacation, and the “physical aspect” seemed to be very satisfying for us both.
Now I am depressed and experiencing myself going back to a feeling of no self
worth... how can I be a more outgoing person and not fall so easily for love?
How can I know when it is the right person? Also, could ADD have something to do
with this, and if so how?
— Can’t Find a Wife
Dear Can’t Find Wife,
Thanks for having the courage to write. I would like you to use this same courage to practice initiating conversations with women. If this sounds too scary at first, just start by smiling and saying “hello” to women you pass (in the grocery store, on the street, everywhere). Some will reciprocate, others may not. It doesn’t matter. You are just practicing.
Say hello to at least one woman a day. Don’t have dating or anything else in mind. Just a friendly hello. When you feel you are ready, practice a follow-up line, such as “Isn’t this a beautiful day?” or anything that may come naturally.
Realize that just because a relationship or an initiated conversation doesn’t work out, it does NOT mean something is wrong with you. Do not take it personally. You just need to find your right match. However, your eagerness for a “relationship and love and marriage” may be a bit overwhelming to some women.
Slow down a little and get comfortable being with yourself. Happiness starts
from within, and if you are discontent there, you will never find happiness in
You may “numb out” with infatuation for awhile, but when it wears off, there you are with two discontented people who eventually go their own ways, usually looking for another “love fix”.
ADD could play a part in this with regards to not staying focused and patient while in a relationship, or jumping into them too fast.
Keep a diary of your progress and record your feelings as you go. Also write
about your urgency to be married. Would you be so eager if you had lots of
friends and a busy social life?
It may be worthwhile developing a social life before you go racing down that aisle. Join groups, go to classes, focus on friends versus a wife for the time being. You will be a happier, more balanced person if you stay with this challenge. This, right now, is your life’s work.
What are some exercise videos that get results with big hips? I am very active and can stand an intense kind of workout.
— Need Spot Reducing
Dear Need Spot Reducing,
There is no such thing as spot reducing, but with aerobic exercise, your whole body will gradually drop the excess fat, including your hip area. Once the excess fat is off, you can do some spot “firming” if you still need it.
Select a video you enjoy (if you enjoy videos) and you will be more likely to
keep it up. Be consistent, watch the fat intake and forget about your hips for
awhile. Results will come.
KRS Edstrom, M.S., is an author, lecturer and columnist. She offers private sessions (by phone or in person) and seminars on meditation, stress, pain, weight loss. Her books and audios offer solutions for healthful, conscious living. For free soothing guided meditations and more information, visit www.AskKRS.com Call (323) 851-8623 or email: KRS@AskKRS.com
Return to the May/June Index page