How to Have a Magical Relationship
By Ariel and Shya Kane
It has been our experience that every love relationship that ends in dissolution or divorce, started as one which was exciting, passionate and alive. What happened? What was it, or is it, that happens allowing this passionate attraction to die?
We speak with many people who have told us of their desire and wish to meet their soulmate, their prince or princess. And they are baffled by why it hasn’t happened yet. The two of us have been together for close to 18 years and when we first met, although there was a strong attraction, we related in ways that were not user-friendly to relationships. It wasn’t that this was our intention. It was the only way we knew to relate. We did things that we had seen others do and related to each other out of what we knew. We were reluctant to see those aspects of our communication and interactions that we held to be negative. And if anything was amiss between us, it was surely the other’s fault.
So for the first number of years our relationship could be categorized as tumultuous, combative and one in which both of us were avoiding being dominated. In other words, we were avoiding being told what to do by each other. This regularly led to little skirmishes about important matters such as who got to give the taxi driver directions or whether to cross the street at the crosswalk or in the middle of the block. We were both terrified of being told that the way we were living our lives was somehow wrong and could be better.
It took us many years to discover how to relate in a way that allowed our relationship to flower and grow, be nurturing and deepen. We stumbled onto the answer one day while walking down a hill to the beach in San Francisco. It was on this day that Shya realized he was done working on himself. Soon he stopped working on Ariel as well. If you want to have a soulmate and not an opponent in a never-ending fight, the place to begin is with yourself. If you pick on yourself, you will pick on your partner. The two of us have truly discovered that Working on Yourself (and your partner) Doesn’t Work!
In this article, we will point out those things that support relationships and those things that destroy them. If you read on, it will take courage to look and see those things you do that are counterproductive to what you say you want. It takes courage to observe your own behavior patterns in a way which will allow the unwanted patterns to dissolve.
There are three basic principles to transformation and we are going to apply them to relationship. The first principle is: Anything you resist persists and grows stronger. The second principle: No two things can occupy the same space at the same time. This means that in any given moment you can only be exactly the way you are in that moment. If you resist being that way, it will persist. Third principle: Anything that you allow to be exactly the way it is, without judging it as good or bad or right or wrong, will complete itself in that moment and disappear and lose power over your life.
This third principle brings into existence the possibility of Instantaneous Transformation®. The simple recognition allows for transformation. The noticing of the existence of the behavior completes it if you do not add judgments. In other words, simply noticing mechanical or repetitive behavior patterns will dissolve them. (Of course, ‘noticing’ a pattern with the agenda to get rid of it is actually a form of resistance and what you resist persists.)
If you want to have a wonderful relationship, look first at the relationship you have with your parents. People operate in relationships as though they are interacting with those things that are incomplete with either or both of their parents. Here is the problem: if you say you want relationships in your life of a romantic nature and you are still blaming your parents for how you turned out, you set in motion a series of events that can only end in disaster. If you are resisting one or the other of your parents, you will recreate that relationship. In other words, if you are in conflict with your mother and you are in a relationship with a woman, those conflicts will resurface in your current relationship.
People think their parents should have brought them up differently than they did. And they hold onto their child’s interpretation of what happened in that relationship from a child’s point of view. Most of the things we remember from our childhood are things we resisted, therefore the persistence of the memory. If the second principle of transformation is true, and we are hypothesizing that it is, then what happened in your past could not have happened differently than it did. It is impossible to go back and fix your past. Whatever happened back then, happened. You can, however, let it go. You can forgive your past. The dictionary definition of forgive is to give up the right to punish. You can stop punishing yourself or others for what happened and for how you think it has affected you.
If you start any relationship from the premise that your parents raised you ‘wrong’ then you are the product of a wrong, or defective, upbringing. This premise makes you defective and it follows that anyone you pick, or anyone who picks you, must be defective or wrong also. It is then just a matter of time before these defects become apparent.
Initially, when we find someone and the relationship is new, chemicals are released in our system, hormones that make even bad breath sexy. But when the chemicals wear off there is only the bad breath. These hormones initially blind us to what we later consider the other person’s faults.
Have you ever sat around with a friend, discussing your partner and their faults? If you want to revitalize a dying relationship or keep a new one alive, you need to become aware of all the currents in your environment which will knock you off course. And gossiping, saying negative things about your partner, specifically, or about members of their gender, in general, can kill your relationship.
Let’s take a look at ‘fault finding expeditions’ and ‘relationship splitters’. People who are fighting with the opposite sex will often try to gather agreement for their point of view. Sometimes this is such an automatic behavior that the prejudicial viewpoint will slip naturally into conversation unnoticed. If you don’t bring awareness to this condition, it will erode even the best relationship.
Here is an example as told from Shya’s point of view: Recently I went into a store to buy a piece of electronics equipment. As the fellow behind the counter was filling out the paperwork he mentioned he was having a bad day. I said, “I’m sorry to hear that.” “Yeah,” the salesman Bart continued, “I made the mistake of taking my wife’s car keys with me to work and now she is bitching at me that she has to walk everywhere.” I didn’t say much to his comment and the transaction continued. As I handed him my credit card he noticed that the magnetic strip on the back of the card was worn. “Oh,” Bart said, “This looks just like my wife’s card, it’s all worn out because she uses it so much. Actually, she had her wallet stolen in New York last month but I haven’t reported it stolen because the thief is spending less than she was.” Nonplussed, I looked at Bart. I think he expected me to have a hearty laugh because he said, “That was a joke, Mr. Kane. That was supposed to be a joke.” I told Bart that I didn’t find it funny and that this type of divisive commentary was probably why he and his wife were fighting.
Here is another example of how it can happen as told from Ariel’s point of view: Last week Shya and I went to a new dental office to have our teeth taken care of. While Shya was having his teeth examined by the dentist, the dental hygienist, Carrie, came into the room and said to him, “Your better half is finished and waiting for you.” Shya said, “No, that’s not right. She isn’t my better half, she is my partner and my friend.” I didn’t hear this interaction because I was in another examination room. However, the hygienist then came back to me and leaned over conspiratorially saying, “I just told your husband that his better half was waiting for him.” I sat there for an instant, feeling uneasy debating what to do next. I just couldn’t let the remark pass. Not because I wanted to change her point of view but because I didn’t want to go home with a secret between myself and Shya. So, I replied, “Excuse me, what you just said is inaccurate. I am not his better half, I am his partner.” She got very quiet. When our dentist came in to my room with Shya, I greeted them both and said, “Oh by the way, Carrie just told me what she said to you and I told her I wasn’t your better half but your partner.” Stunned, the Doctor said, “That’s amazing, your husband just said the exact same thing.”
Carrie came into my room to enroll me in her point of view that women were better than men. If I am the better half, what does that make him? Certainly not my equal. Even though I don’t share her point of view, if I hadn’t said anything, I would have gone home looking to see in what ways he was inferior or less. I am fairly certain that Carrie is unaware of how she maligns men. It was just casual conversation on her part. However, even casual conversation, if unexamined, can take its toll on an otherwise healthy relationship.
In this last account by Ariel, she chose to say something to Carrie and Shya also said something to Bart. You do not always need to speak up but sometimes you do. Either way, you’ll know what is appropriate by how you feel. The important aspect is to notice and become aware that other people’s opinions can affect your relationship.
If you want to know more about Ariel and Shya’s Instantaneous Transformation® technology, you can get their new book “Working on Yourself Doesn’t Work” at local bookstores, on www.Amazon.com or toll free at (800) 431-1579. You can also order the Kanes’ book and tapes, read their article of the month as well as check out their seminar schedule on: www.ask-inc.com
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