An Excerpt from
The Knee Of Listening
the Spiritual Autobiography of Adi Da Samraj

 

 

Even as a baby, I remember only crawling around inquisitively with a boundless Feeling of Joy, Light, and Freedom in the middle of my head that was bathed in Energy moving unobstructed in a Circle — down from above, all the way down, then up, all the way up, and around again — and always Shining from my heart. It was an Expanding Sphere of Joy from the heart. And I was a Radiant Form — the Source of Energy, Love-Bliss, and Light in the midst of a world that is entirely Energy, Love-Bliss, and Light.

I was the Power of Reality, a direct Enjoyment and Communication of the One Reality. I was the Heart Itself, Who Lightens the mind and all things. I was the same as every one and every thing, except it became clear that others were apparently unaware of the “Thing” Itself. . . .

My father was always a salesman, and my mother was always at home. They could always use a little ordinary humor, but I always loved (and love) them, and love was always the premise of our life together. That is why we were always free to be so reckless, stupid, unfeeling, uncommunicative, unhappy, and separate! None of that ever amounted to anything less than an enjoyment of our separate spectacles. Quiet, long-suffering, fathered mother. Emotional, violent, elaborate father-boy. Crazy, secluded, independent son away.

. . . [S]chooled by conventional religion, and puzzled by the conventional mind and the disturbed manner of others, I gradually (but only tentatively) accepted the three root-conventions of the common mind: the idea of “God” (as “Creator”, and as separate from all “creation”), the idea of separate self (in my case, and in all cases), and the idea of the world (as itself separate, and as itself composed of separate “things”, or absolute differences).

One of my most significant early memories is the Event that clearly marks the beginning of my transition from the gratuitous Spiritual “Brightness” of my earliest childhood to my life of seeking — which transition was, as you will see, motivated by my intentional identification with all mortal beings, and by my intentional identification with all the problems of mankind, and by my suffering of all that followed from my consequent ever-decreasing presumption of the “Bright” Itself.

In this crucial early Event, I was walking to the movies with my mother and father. As was frequently the case with them, they were having an argument. . . . [My mother] is quiet and passive, and my father very quick, loud, and threatening violence — until he gets stuck and fades away, pretending he will never be heard from again.   

That scene was one of their lifelong characteristic games, and so it really makes no difference what aroused it in this case, as I am sure I did not know at the time. I remember there was a full moon — shining, but orange and shadowy. I have no specific recollection of what movie we were on our way to see. I must have been about six or seven years old.

What appeared to me then was a kind of archetype of all conflict. There was the act of separation, and that act was destroying the Spiritual Energy of Love-Bliss. I very clearly and directly experienced the effects of this conflict and separation. I could feel the embracive rays of Love-Bliss-Energy that surrounded us and moved in a delicate network of points in and through our bodies.

I could feel those rays of Love-Bliss-Energy being cut by the negative emotional acts of my parents. As a result of their loveless actions, dark vacuums were being spotted out around us and between us. And I was about to make one of my most significant early attempts to Communicate that there is only Love-Bliss-Energy, and to Prove it was so by an actual Spiritual Transmission of that Love-Bliss-Energy Itself.

I remember silently expanding the “Bright” Love-Bliss-Energy from my heart, while, at the same time, trying to distract my parents by pointing out the moon, and by asking them questions about God and life, so they would be calmed, and enabled to feel the Love-Bliss-Energy of the “Bright” I was Transmitting to them.

Their ordinary humor did return a little. My father seemed quieted, and my mother was answering my questions. Nonetheless, I felt their basic refusal, and their basic insensitivity to the “Bright”. We went to the movie, and while we watched I felt a pressure in my solar plexus and my heart, where the Love-Bliss-Energy was refused and pushed back. But at least the argument was gone, for the night.
. . . the crucial Event I just described . . . gave rise to (or, at least, most profoundly confirmed) a deeply-felt concern and urgency in me that became the means for me to fulfill the guiding Purpose of my life.

Copyright ©2004 The Avataric Samrajya of Adidam Pty Ltd, as trustee for The Avataric Samrajya of Adidam. All rights reserved. Perpetual copyright claimed. Used by permission of the copyright owner.


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